i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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