I think I won the penis lottery.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
