when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize