I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we made out on top of his cat.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
