you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
