if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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