when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
