how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
