swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I need moral support for this bender
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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