i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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