census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
