IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
