Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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