No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
