After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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