dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
