Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My first STD was from a foam party
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
