She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
