The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
