just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
