She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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