Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
