I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
