You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
