I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
