Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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