why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize