I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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