I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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