Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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