matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
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