I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
