I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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