There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think people are normalizing furries
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
