I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
