I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
