She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
