I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
