the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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