It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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