If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
