I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
