no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
