you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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