Princesses don't give blow jobs
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she peed on how many people?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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