And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
