So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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