i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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