I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
