It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
