I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
