My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am spending my child support on dildos
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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