wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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