After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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