why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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