My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
