He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
