She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
