I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
