I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
