He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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